Who Am I?

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I am Amy Gilmore 27 years old until Thursday the 6th of June…I think lol. Sometimes, I think I may have missed a Birthday. Anyway, I am a Mother of one wonderful child.  Until a few years ago I was pretty confident about who I was. Let’s just say the last few years have taken their toll.

I have been working so hard to gather information about how I got here (in this position, not on Earth). I have read countless self-help books. I made appointments with a Psychiatrist who I never went to see. I was too busy, but then again I have been too busy for EVERYTHING.

Maybe, I should start at the beginning. Several years ago I had a successful business. I was making great money and I was really enjoying life. I was fresh out of a long term relationship with a very controlling boyfriend. I felt on top of the world. That is when I fell.

When I say I fall I mean everything fell apart. I literally went from making $10k a month to making nothing. I just made one bad decision after another. I literally lost everything I had worked so hard for. Everything that I achieved by myself.  I tried to do damage control and ended up making everything worse. It was devestating.

There is no one cause that I have been able to pinpoint. I have reflected on this for well over a year and come up with nothing specific. As I said before I have read tons of books and although they have motivated me in different ways they are all missing something. I know this, becaus although my life is dramatically better I am not where I want to be.

I do not know what gave me the strength to pick myself back up. I have to give that credit to God, because I was so emotionally wounded. I felt an overwhelming sense of failure in every area of my life. Somehow I managed to get back on my feet.

Slowly, well not that slowly, I have rebuilt my life. On my journey to rebuild I realized I  don’t just want to rebuild and exist. I want to flush! I want to live in a world or wonder and amazement! I want to wake up and have to pinch myself, becaus life is that good.

I recently have felt enlightened with new information I know is going to help me arrive at my wonderland. I thought about all of the things that have changed. The things that led to the fall and I realise I am the same successful, motivated, loving, intelligent person I have always been. However, I have been neglecting myself in every way possible.

I stopped doing things with friends. I stopped exercising and started going to bed entirely too late. I quit going to church and pretty much everywhere else, except work. It is as if I began punishing myself.  I guess I have felt that I was not worthy of enjoying life. I have been able to justify staying up almost all night working. 

I suddenly realized that the very thing I believed would help me get my life back has been trapping me. So, now that I know what is wrong and I am determined to fix it. That is why I am preparing myself for my adventure on the road to my wonderland. I am done punishing myself. I know that I can not get to my destination if I am imprisoning myself.

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