“I’m not bipolar, that’s just my imaginary twin.”
Sometimes it is hard to get up when you fall. Your pride is hurt and you question your ability to succeed, but when you get back up and try again you know what mistakes to avoid.
I am trying something again now for the second time. I was hesitant for a long time to make another attempt at it, but I realized that the first time I tried I did pretty well. Then, something went wrong. When I tried the first time it seemed effortless. I believed in myself completely. I remember feeling on top of the world, because I was making my dream a reality.
It has taken me a while to gather my courage, but I am now ready to give it another go. My goal is to forget that I tried and failed before, but to remember the insight that I gained. I am pretending to try this for the first time only with more knowledge about how to succeed.
If I happen to fail again, which I won’t, I will pick myself up again and give it another go. If we really want something we have to try not until we fail, but until we succeed.
I have really been wanting to share a lot with you all, but I have had a serious case of writer’s block. I sit down to write, but then nothing comes to me. Anyway, I am making a serious effort to get past it and felt like maybe sharing where I am at right now on my own road to the life that I want to live is a good place to start.
For the last year I have been living at home with my father and step-mother, who has made my life as difficult as possible for the past 15 years. I was in denial for a long time about how serious the situation was. Recently, I was able to come to grips with where I am at right now and have been able to begin putting the pieces back together. So many things have happened over the years that have knocked me down. I have always been a very strong person. I never let anything get me down and used all of the negative that came my way as motivation to be successful. Somewhere along the way though I lost my will to overcome. I felt defeated. I took a good look at my life and I realized that if I am going to be the person that I was before I needed to get away from this house that I am living in.
There is so much negativity here. I am living with a father that was never there for me and a step-mother who has literally done everything in her power to make me look like a horrible person and ruin my relationships with my father and every other one else in my family. This started when I came to live with her and my father when I was 15 years old. My father and family members were told horrible things about me. My father worked all the time and was never home and she and her two daughters treated me horribly. Leaving me out of things that they did together and making my life miserable. I was much older than her daughters, so as I have watched them grow up I saw that they were allowed to do all of the things she wouldn’t allow me to do. In addition, she told my father that she did not believe that parents should help there children financially and that I should have to work when I was in high school to buy everything for myself, all of my clothes, toiletries, school supplies, etc.
Living with them then was horrible and I couldn’t wait to leave. I ended up doing just that when I was 18. I lived a happy and fulfilling life without them for a long time. I rarely saw or spoke to them. Then I lost my boyfriend who I had lived with for several years (a story for another day). I felt like I needed them. For a year I was paying rent in my house but staying at their house almost every night, because it was really hard for me to stay at my house. Eventually, I talked to them and suggested maybe we could get a home together. I found a great house with plenty of room for all of us. The problems started as soon as we moved in though.
Before we signed the lease my dad told me that I would needed to pay $500 rent a month. Right after we moved in my dad told me that I would need to pay $1000 of the $1750 a month rent. I had two rooms in the home that I was allowed to use and had to store the rest of my furniture. My step-mom and step-sister made my life a living hell while we were there. I once moved my desk out of my room and into the office that no one else ever used and she lost her mind. Her and her daughter then made it a point to be as ugly to me as they could. Making me feel uncomfortable in the home that I had just as much right to as they did, so when the lease was up I moved out into my own apartment with my son.
Things were great and then my business got slow and I was forced to move back in with them. This time because I could not afford to rent my own place. This was a horrible experience for me. I was very hard on myself about this. I had never been in a position where I needed to live with them. Before it was my choice to live with them. I have always paid rent, bought groceries and often given them more money than what was agreed upon. I am told that what I do does not help them at all and that they are doing me a favor, which is their justification to be mean to me. My dad always asks me to do things for him and if I can’t because it interferes with my work he tells me to get out of his house. Sometimes the stress of the situation that I am in is so bad that it feels that I have a ton of bricks on my chest and I can not breath. My step-mom eggs my dad on by asking him, “has Amy finished what you asked her to do”? He then begins to bash me and tell me and everyone else in the house what and incompetent lazy person I am. He talks to no one else this way so they all think that they can treat me however they want. My step-mom being ugly to me and my step-sister using my things without asking.
I was so depressed for months. I did little to change my situation, because honestly I couldn’t push myself to do it. Finally, I filled out some vendor packages to get more business and took the time to get them sent in to new companies. I got an account with a great company two months ago and now I am beginning to build my business again to get myself out of this situation and away from these people. I am starting to feel much better and I am finding myself again. I am finding joy in life again and I am getting out and doing things with my friends. I did not do anything with my friends for a long time, because I think that I was punishing myself.
Through this experience I have learned a lot. I am not out of the water yet, but I am getting close to being able to get away. I realize that just because these people are my family does not mean that I have to allow them to use or hurt me. I do not have to listen to all of the horrible things that my father says to me on a daily basis and I do not have to bite my tongue and not stick up for myself when I am treated badly by my step-mother. I can have a voice. I do contribute to this house. I pay rent and do more than I am asked and my step-sister is not asked to pay or do anything. So, for the rest of the time that I am in this house I will speak my mind. I will not be ugly or rude, but I will not be a door mat either. I am a strong person. This is not the first challenge that I have faced and I will overcome this. I just needed to remember who I am.
Thank you for reading. I am glad that I could share this experience with you and I hope that maybe it will be an inspiration to others that have been hurt by their family to stand up for themselves.
Lots of Love,
The other day I found pages from a journal entry I wrote two years ago in my brief case. I have not used this brief case in two years. I found it and decided that I would start using it again. I was cleaning out the bag so I could begin using it again when I came across a page from my journal. I read it and the words touched me. They were about the day I found out that a good friend of mine’s Mother-In-Law passed away after a long battle with cancer. The journal entry said, “I did get some sad news today. Chad’s Mom passed away. Nazish was really upset. She is such an amazing friend and person. I am so blessed to know her. I know that Nancy is in heaven smiling down at her and that she appreciates all that Nazish did during her last days.” I was so touched by the entry and felt a strong prompting to call my friend and share with her what I had written. So, as I usually do when I have one of these promptings I called her. I read the entry to her and was shocked by what she told me. She told me that the night before and that morning she had been thinking about Nancy. She had wondered if she had done the best that she could to take care of Nancy. At the end of Nancy’s battle with cancer she called me one day very frustrated and confided in me that she did not know if she could care for her. I told her that Nancy’s battle with cancer had been long and that I did not believe that she would live much longer. I told her that I knew that this was a huge responsibility, but that Chad (her husband), Nancy and any future children they would have together would greatly appreciate the sacrifice that she made during this time. Nazish often has thought about this, but on this day it was heavy on her mind. It really touched her that I called and shared this with her. I told her that I was pretty sure that Nancy used this as a way to convey her appreciation to Nazish and to reassure her that Nancy knew she did her best. What a beautiful and profound message this was. I am so thankful to have been able to share this beautiful message with my friend.
I am so excited, because I have created so many wonderful things in my life lately. I want to share so much with you. It is late and I do need to get in bed, though. I am going to post a challenge tomorrow that I am about to start and I would love for all of you to take this challenge on with me. I just know that it will create so many wonderful things in our lives. I think that it would be extremely interesting for us to all embark on this journey together and compare notes.
I just know that by the few changes that I have made recently I was able to stop taking ADD medication that I thought there was no way I could quit taking. Every time I tried to stop taking it I would feel totally drained. I figured I would need it for the rest of my life, but just by stating positive affirmations in the morning I was able to overcome this huge hurdle. Also, I quit smoking cigarettes. That was another hurdle.
So, I want to do an “I am” statement affirmation challenge. I see how greatly “I am” statements have helped me over this short period of time. I want to see what else they can help myself and others to accomplish. Small changes and positive affirmations are AMAZING things that can effect all of us in infinitely positive ways. I am bursting at the seems with excitement and happiness!!!
Please join me tomorrow in making our lives better than we have ever imagined possible. I just know that we are all capable of truly amazing things.
Lots and lots of love to you all,